A friend has just told me I
am still a good and caring man and I responded, no the good man died 5 years
ago - hence the name of this blog... this is a story of the death of a good man
and the birth of what I am now, this is a true story caused by bad decisions,
an addiction to porn, and much more, a story which probably wont ever be shared
but needs to be written as right now this is my story
SPOILERS - this story is how
I destroyed two lives, my own and the life of the woman I love, I only hope
that she will recover and that this is not the end of her journey.
That is what this blog is
about, a real life disaster story, broken hearts and broken lives, the death of
a good man
The beginning
I was 12/13 when I got my
first job as a paperboy, it was the usual stuff, getting up early going to the
shop, arranging the papers then delivering them, with a bit of flicking through
them. Well this was (from memory) when I saw any form of semi naked woman for
the first time. It may seem tame, and un-realistic to blame page 3 and the
daily newspapers but for 2 or 3 years newspapers and “lads mags” were the
provider of my sexual experiences and were where I got my sexual education.
Anyone who knows me knows my
memory is not very good, and there are many gaps but I hope this will be as
detailed as I can be, as I want this to be an honest exploration of my journey.
I remember getting small
thrills from page 3 and the little adverts on the sports pages of the regular
newspapers. You know the adverts I am talking about, the ones everyone notices
at the corner of their eyes, looks at them with a mixture of intrigue and disgust,
whilst also having a slight curiosity about what a phone call may achieve.
Every male I know reads
newspapers from the back to the front and I’m no different. My daily ritual as
a teen was to go to the newsagents at 6am arrange the papers and sit on the
floor in the corner and quickly flick through the papers to catch up on sport and
more. I’d flick through and I’d see the "innocent" adverts for phone
lines (often with "innocent" pictures) and it would raise my intrigue
(and something else), and then I’d flick through and see page 3 whilst "innocently"
reading the articles next to the picture. This carried on a while and then
someone ordered the daily sport, which for anyone who doesn’t know, is a soft
porn magazine pretending to be a newspaper.
Now this gave me an
opportunity to "read" even more articles, and yes it was good. For
about 2 years I got my daily fix of ladies bits and the sex phone line adverts
were always present, and were just a normal part of the newspapers, which to me
suggested they were just a normal part of life. Of course I knew people didn’t
talk about them, but I’m sure everyone used them at some time, we will get back
to that in a couple of years.
When I was 15/16 I got more
responsibility at the shop and was allowed to open up - giving a set of keys
and an opportunity for alone time with the magazines and newspapers. Well I
started going in to the shop earlier than needed and would sit in the office
and read the papers, look at the pictures, and that’s when I discovered the top
shelf. I don’t remember the names of the magazines, but it wasn’t the regular
ones, it was ones made up mainly with stories and pictures, and some were
fairly kinky. Letters from readers, agony aunties etc were all part of the
magazines, and whilst I wasn’t playing with myself I was reading them and
getting turned on at every opportunity. This is when I also saw my first video
as the daily sport was giving away a free erotic video which I took, and it was
basically a naked lady dancing to the song electric blue. I still remember the song
to this day, and whenever I hear it have flashbacks to the days that I associated
it with sex.
To cut a long story short I
would "borrow" magazines and take them home and read them at every
opportunity, but eventually these magazines, stories and still pictures were
not enough and so I started hiring 18 movies from the local video store. I wasn’t
old enough, but looked older and would walk in confidently, spend ages browsing
and at the moment I was alone in the shop pick a movie and quickly pay and run
with the video hidden so no one else could see.
I don’t remember the films
or any real detail. I remember watching one at home in my bedroom once and my
brother walking in, me hiding what I was doing and him teasing me but "kindly"
not telling my parents. I remember seeing soft porn films on channel 4, films
like Barbarella which too this day still got my blood racing, and enjoying watching
them with the sound very low. And I remember taking every opportunity to watch erotic
TV programmes which pretended to be something else – and some which unashamedly
didn’t (euro trash for example).
At the same time I would be going
online late at night, and some times during the day, on the family computer,
frequenting chat rooms, erotic story sites, and acting out role-plays with
strangers who often were more experienced than me and would guide the chats and
succeed in getting me off. It was the era of dial up and so things weren’t
exactly quick but I still managed to visit erotic chat rooms and watch short
films online at 1 or 2am, sometimes staying up till 4am, getting up a couple of
hours later for work for school. I almost got caught a few times but always
found a way to escape the capture. I know my brother also used porn online and
so I managed to act innocent and let him take the blame when things went wrong
and sites were noticed in the history, or weird downloads had come along. To be
fair he did cause big phone bills sometimes with his habit whereas I only used
free sites, but still it was good to be the innocent one.
Of course it’s worth
pointing out that even innocent programmes were often tinged with sexual
language, and the more I went online and chatted to people/read stories, the
more I noticed and was turned on, especially when watching programmes around
super heroes. The heroes always had a sexy female tempting them to give up
their good ways, or to trap them in order to destroy them, and this very
quickly became the fantasy which I enjoyed most, the idea of being the superman
trapped by a sexy villainess and well you know the rest, and if you don’t it
will become clear the more you read.
Now we skip forward a couple
of years, till I was 18, but still a virgin. Now if there’s anything I’ve ever
learnt from porn it’s that you shouldn’t be 18 and a virgin but if you are
there’s one thing you can do, and that’s pay to not be one. So I saved up some
money and went to London (after all that’s where
there are prostitutes right?) and looked for this sexy Soho
I had seen in these films. Well I found it and.... I was disappointed. I would
walk around and see red lights and flashing lights, the phone boxes full of
numbers but it didn’t look glamorous like it did in the movies, it looked ugly.
I had come too far to be put off so I found a place walked to the front door
and entered. I was greeted by some old lady and it was simply a room and a bed,
she said the price (I don’t remember what) and I turned and left very quickly,
partly because I didn’t have the money, but mainly because I was too scared to
do it. I walked very quickly and got as far away as possible and sorted my head
out. Then I saw it, a strip place, now that would be better, I may be a virgin
but at least these are live. I paid a small fee to enter and was shown to the
table and I sat down. A waitress came and asked did I want a drink and gave me
the menu, I placed an order and she returned with the drink and told me the
price. I was shocked, the drink was a lot higher than I expected as there was a
"service charge" which was basically the drink is cheap but the
waitress expects £10 just for the drink. I panicked and paid and embarrassingly
left (aka escorted from the building by the bouncers) as I had no money left. Humiliated
I walked to the train station and returned home a virgin, but secretly happy
that my plans didn’t work.
Now I don’t know when this
happened but at some point between 16-18 I was at a Christian youth church service
and I suddenly got an overwhelming feeling of sadness and guilt about my daily
porn habit and I got courageous and walked up to a youth pastor (who I didn’t know)
and asked to speak to him and I told him, embarrassingly, "I think I’m
possessed, I’m a pervert, I can’t help wanking and reading/watching porn, I
need some help, please pray for me!" (Or something like that) - well his
response..... "its normal.... nothing to worry about....not a problem....don’t
worry!") Oh that’s a relief, although I wasn’t convinced, it
was reassuring so I didn’t push for any more help.
I don’t remember anything
else about this part of my porn journey, except that during my year out (18-19)
I cut really down. I still found access to the daily sport sometimes, but very
rarely would I look at anything, mainly as I didn’t have privacy and was living
with a nice old couple so I felt it would be wrong to disrespect them in this
way.
At 19 I went to university
after my year out and had a good first year, I would go out drinking and living
the student life and would read newspapers and magazines (loaded etc) but
wouldn’t do much more, I lived in halls of residents and had a mobile phone but
no internet so couldn’t do much else, unless I was prepared to go into the
library, which of course would have been too public so I never did, well apart
from one or two times when I would chat in the chat rooms. My hit would be met though,
whenever possible I would by Loaded magazine and other lad’s mags – and if I could
get away with it I would sometimes buy discretely top shelf mags, but this wasn’t
a regular occurrence.
2nd and 3rd year was when
things got heated. I was living in a house where each of us had a code to use
the landline phone, we had internet, and we had lockable bedroom doors.... so
we had privacy and that led to more time alone which led to more time on the
internet, more time reading "innocent" lad mags, and well yes this is
where I finally started to ring those numbers which were in the back of the
magazines and the newspapers to see what the thrill of chatting over the phone
was like.
I don’t really remember the
conversations on the phone, or anything like that, but I know I spent plenty of
time and money on this hobby, justifying it by saying that everyone was doing it,
that it was normal, and as I wasn’t really having sex I wasn’t doing anything
wrong or against my faith. Having spent much time reading stories and chatting
online I knew what my biggest turn on was, and this was stories where I was
controlled and dominated by a young beautiful sexy mistress – sometimes I was a
superhero trapped, sometimes a respectable man seduced and blackmailed,
sometime… well you get the picture – it definitely wasn’t just straight sex, it
had to have a storyline to it – and so I started phoning the adverts where
domination and mistresses were – and believe me loaded magazine knew how to
sell these phone lines.
Without going into
details university life had many ups and downs, and the one real
constant was the porn and the phone/internet chat. It was my escape from the
stress and my depression - although looking back this may also have been one of
the things that added to the causes of my depression.
I graduated and went into
the working world – and as I want to remain private the next 10 years will just
be merged into one long story from this point – it will probably be in a time
sequence, but I wont talk about the non-porn part of my life, so not to give
anything away.
One big thing that had
changed is the internet, it was quicker, more accessible, and there were all
these instant messenger things which meant you could stay in regular contact
with people – and so I stopped relying on chat rooms, now it was chat rooms and
online “relationships” with people.
People you ask? Well yes
people – I need to say up front I am straight, have never been and (as far as I
know) never will be attracted to a male, but as things went on it became clear
that online and over the phone men were easier to find and easier to explore
the kinky stuff with. I would convince myself as it was just chatting I could
pretend it was females I was chatting to, and go from there. Of course over
time the pretending stopped and it went from being humiliated by females to
being forced by females to be humiliated by males, to being humiliated by males
despite being straight. I once read that this is something to do with the
brain, as you get used to something it stopped getting risky or turning you on
so you move to the next step – and that’s what happened to me, and that’s where
the next step came in.
Webcam and microphones
became the next must have – up until this point I had chatted and typed things
but never been on camera, but soon people would only talk if prepared to go on
camera, this is where it became real. I would chat to people but have to follow
through and “act” out what they were telling me to do – otherwise they would
know I was just “acting”. It became a routine, I would go online and be
humiliated by a Mistress or Master, dance for them naked, wank and only cum
when they allowed it, eat of the floor, stick things up my bum, basically I
became so addicted to the feelings of obeying and being owned and humiliated that
I would do anything – but it was ok as I was only acting.
Of course things went deeper
and as I became addicted more and more I signed up for sites searching for more
please, more humiliation and more control. Kinky dating websites, video chat
websites, and porn websites – I would mainly go for free sites but sometimes
sign up for paid trials in order to test the waters. Things progressed and the
idea of control went on and on. I started exploring kinky hypnotism sites,
blackmail sites, and sites where people controlled your computer – I got in so
deep but it felt like this cyber secret world was not real, it felt like it was
doing no harm, and it felt like it was just fantasy.
I tried to give up on
various occasions, mainly during times when things got too real, or where I
really did things that I was so ashamed off that I had to stop. Twice fantasy
merged with reality and I needed to know what it would really be like – “if I tried
it once it would stop having this power over me” and so I visited prostitutes
on two occasions asking them to control and humiliate me. Both times I used
money I couldn’t afford and felt guilty during it – even going to the stage
that I refused to have “real” sex and asked them to ensure I only came by
wanking myself. Both times I was so ashamed, I had betrayed myself, my faith,
and the beautiful woman I was in a relationship with, whom I loved with all my
heart.
The guilt just added to my
addiction and whenever I came back to porn and cyber sex I knew I couldn’t tell
anyone the full story so I couldn’t escape it, and if I did I would lose all I
had anyways.
Other mad things that I did during this time was –
- I gave out personal
information to strangers online whilst “hypnotized” (whether real or fantasy I am
not sure)
- allowed 2 or 3 strangers
to control my computer, look through my files/photos and on one occasion tease
me whilst he (with me on camera) looked at pictures of friends and family.
- allowed someone to pretend
they were wanking over pictures of the person I was in a relationship with, and
then for them to blackmail me or they would tell her.
There are many other things
I probably did which I can’t remember, but suffice to say this gives you an
idea of how deep I was into porn, cyber sex, role plays and the sexual life of
a deviant/pervert.
The big reveal happened a
few months ago, when the lady I loved, and believed I would be marrying gained
access to my secret life, found my secret email address, gained access and read
every conversation, saw many photos, and read many emails where she discovered the
sickening truth of who I was. She was angry, upset, and betrayed and hated me
for who I was but still pushed me to get help for the issues, and to sort myself
out for the future. I am not ever going to marry her and I have lost her but I
will always love her not just for the time I spent with her but also for the
gracious way she tried to help even despite the pain I caused her.
This is why I said at the
start, that a good man died a long time ago, I do not feel like I am a good man
– infact I feel like the opposite.
I am working on turning things around, I have accountability partners supporting me, I believe God is helping me, and I am determined not to have a secret life anymore.
However it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and even as I write this I know that for the last 3 nights I have fallen back into old routines, chatting to strangers in order to escape the realities of the life I caused for myself. So why am I writing this? For 3 reasons
- so others may avoid my mistakes
- so others who may be living a secret life may also learn and make positive decisions
- to break the cycle of secrets and attempt to start again.
Please pray for me if you’re
a prayer, and please get help if anything rings true to you.
Oh and finally if you think
porn does not cause any harm – look back over my story and ask yourself would
the good man be alive if at the age of 12/13 I had not had easy access – and ask
how (alongside bad decisions) porn led to 2 lives being destroyed – and ask is
it worth it – hopefully you’ll agree the answer is no.
Blessings.
M.
